I’m Not Sure She’s Found Her Prince Charming.

Renee,
Being that it’s now July (nearing the end), I was wondering what the outcome is/was of the situation you wrote about?!

Well…at the risk of losing a friend, I’d tell her, but I’d tell her in a way that does not directly accuse him. (Even if you KNOW for a fact that he’s cheating and who with, etc.) The reason that I say to avoid directly accusing him is that you may not know what ‘arrangement’ the two of them have with one another, which you — or the general public may not be privy to. I have known THREE couples, (two married for 10 years each and a 12 year LTR) who had made an arrangement. In other words, the husband or boyfriend and in one case the wife were ‘allowed’ to have an outside relationship with full knowledge and agreement of the partner. In the case of the wife, she is bisexual; in the case of the husband and the boyfriend, the wife and girlfriend, although attractive and willing and not Orcas, simply had no sex drive, even after medical intervention. All parties mentioned are in their early thirties to early forties, btw.

It probably makes you uncomfortable and is eating at you because you feel that your participation in the wedding party makes you complicit in what you believe to be deception…and I ain’t mad atcha…Speak your truth, but speak it from the heart and with love for your friend and avoid coming from an righteously angry place of finger-pointing accusation. Cuz you never know.

best,
kaiya

Renee,
I have been the other woman, without knowledge of being the other woman. Once I told the woman of her man’s cheating ways and showed her the mountains of proof, she thanked me for saving her and her parents lots of money however through friends of his I now know that the wedding was never called off.
With all of this past experience one would think that I would say don’t tell her, but I’m glad I told her. Remember no matter what she decides, you’ll know in your heart that you did the right thing. She is the only one who can really save herself from his cheating ways. If she chooses to stay and marry him, then she deserves whatever she gets.
My cheaters’ fiancee was totally dillusional in her views of her lover. They say love is blind, but they forgot to say that it’s stupid too.
I wished her the best and told her to keep her eyes open from then on and to not be blinded by love. Pass that advice on to your friend and like everyone on here has said, be there for her when he inevitably cheats again and he will.
My cheater has called me a few times since I found out about his engagement. Talk about a complete creep (trying to keep it rated PG here)!!! Of course I haven’t spoken to him. Just be there when she needs you and don’t say that you told her so.
Best wishes to you and your friend.

Hi Renee,
It’s been a while so what have you done? Told her? Not yet? I’ve been in your shoes more than once. And one things for sure, it’s a no win situ. Tell her, and your relationship will be forever strained. Don’t, and you’ll always feel like the bad guy. I don’t n know what it is with us, we call say we want to know but then, we shoot the messenger anyway. In hindsight, I’m glad I did the right thing and told my friends. Though it cost me the friendship, I can still look myself in the mirror. As for the guys, they both ended up cheating again and both relationships failed in the long run. Just goes to show, the ripple effects of cheating go beyond just the couple. Sad but as they say, c’est la vie!

Tell her! She is in for a life of total misery if you do not.

Renee,
your position is very difficult, but I must tell you…I was engaged to a guy what was in the military and was cheating on me. I was back home and had NO idea of the matter. I had a friend who knew what was going on and told me…. to this day i cant thank her enough. The only thing i wished that, is that she had told me sooner so i didn’t have to go through the embarresment of telling all those people who had invitations that the wedding was called off because my fiancee was cheating on me. it was horrible, but with the help of friends, I got through it, and am now about to marry the most amazing man ever and faithful!
I would definetly confront the groom-to-be first so that he has the opption of telling her so that he can have some dignity…maybe. But its something they need to talk about too. Good Luck!

Auraliea

I agree. Thank you so much!

Personally, I would want to know. Look at it this way, if it was you getting married and your soon-to-be-hubby did and still is cheating on you, wouldn’t you want to know before you continued a life with him? Your friend will be sad and hurt, but in the end you could be saving her from a whole lot of crap!

Dear Renee,
I guess that I am a lot older than most of the people who look at this sight so my point of view may be a bit different. As a mom of a daughter who is getting married I pray that if one of her friends knew he was not being faithful they would tell her. Maybe because I am older I am looking at the down the road things and in this day and age the problems don’t just stop with a divorce and single motherhood. If you truly care for your friend than you should tell her. That being said you need to know with out doubt that it is fact and not gossip. If you are for sure than tell her and pray that he has not already given her something that will change her life forever.
I pray that your friend will not marry him because she thinks that she has to or face a life without love. Remember that she will need your friendship even more after you have told her.

I would definitely want to know, but I would want the news to be delivered gently.

Maybe you could tell her that you’ve heard some things from a reliable source that you feel she should look into before committing to her fiance.

That way you’ve told her snd she knows your concerns, and it’s in her hands to do something about it or not.

Either way, you’re a good friend for wantng to protect her.

Thanks Anita,
You are exactly right. She WILL need a friend later. Right now, she seems to need the ‘dream’ more.

Well Renee,
I’m here to tell you that I have been that so called ex-girlfriend. I found out about the engagement from a mutual friend who knew that I didn’t know that the guy was engaged. For almost a year, he hid an engagement from me. We were together for 5 years and I was pregnant when he proposed to his fiancee. I later had a miscarriage (God works in mysterious ways). When I told the fiancee about her man’s infidelity, with proof in hand, she said one thing to me but through mutual friends I now know that the wedding was never called off. I have more love and respect for myself to even want to have anything to do with this sorry excuse of a man. They have done very childish things to my property to the point where I have almost gone into hiding. My advise, just leave it alone. Let them live their life. Trust me, if he’s cheating while engaged, he’ll cheat while married.
If you really can’t stand up for her, then make up an excuse as to why you now can’t be in the wedding. At least be true to yourself. I have no idea what kind of gift you can buy her, but like others have said here give her your shoulder and friendship for when her fiancee is caught in the act. Like they say, what happens in the dark will someday come to light.
Don’t feel sorry for me. I’ve started the best relationship of my life with a man who has been a true friend since we were teenagers. It’s wild but true when people say that being friends first makes for a great relationship.
Good luck.

Hey Renee,

I can tell you exactly what to say not that it will make a difference because the outcome will be that your friendship slowly will be over with her.

I have been in this situation twice and twice I was good friends with both couples and it was something that came up in conversation with all of us that if one was cheating on the other and I found out or someone knew would they want to know? well I myself said that if I knew of someone cheating I would tell the other person because I would want someone to tell me …

I took the person aside, in the first situation it was the wife I spoke to who was my neighbor and my good friend and I told her what I knew and the bottom line was that she was happy I told her and eventually divorced but our friendship was never the same, we were never really close anymore. I think that even though I don’t have her as a good friend anymore that my concious is clean and that I did the right thing.

the second instance was a very good girlfriend of mine and she had been caught cheating on her husband before so at some point when my b/f and I were out with them it came up and right in front of him she even agreed that if i ever knew of her cheating and he asked that I should tell the truth…well, eventually she did cheat and when she was first telling me I warned her to stop or I would tell her husband, well she continued telling me all her dirty details so at first I just didn’t hang around with them as much but her husband eventually asked and I told him something was going on and it was up to him to dig further…needless to say they divorced and I don’t speak to either one.

It’s a tough spot to be in but I always think of what if it was me that was being cheated on what would I want my best friend to do if they found out.

You’ve heard the saying Don’t Shoot the Messenger well that’s the way it happens anyway the bearer of bad news is never looked at in a nice way…but if you don’t tell and years from now she finds out she will definitely hate you and not trust you.

Thanks, Beth… You know, I have really been worried about the #2 & #3 issues that you bring up. It’s soooo difficult! On one hand, you’d like to prevent a disastrous mistake. On the other hand, my friend TRUSTS her fiance. After all, in her mind, she wouldn’t be getting married if she didn’t. And, that’s the way it should be. Unfortunately, I have seen proof of his infidelity. I just wish it was a one time thing, over a long time ago. Or, even just OVER, but he is still seeing his ex.
Thank you to all who have replied.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to HOW to tell her, if I decide to go this way. I am still struggling with the decision….

Renee,
This a very tough situation. Just remember…if you do tell your friend about her less than faithful fiance, and they still go through with the wedding, you will always the one who narked on him. Additionally she may not #1 care that he did it, #2 believe that he did it, or #3 she already knew and now you are bringing this all up just before the happiest day of her life. I have actually seen the number 2 scenario and it ruined the friendship between the bride and maid of honor. Again, very tough situation. Hard decision. Just giving you some things to think about. Good Luck!

Wow Renee,
I feel for you. It is a horrible situation to be in. Will your girlfriend believe you if you do tell her? I would want to know. I am planning my wedding and showed this to my fiance this morning. He of course took the guy’s side (something about getting it out of his system) which led to a heated argument before work, but enough about me. Do you know the so-called ex girlfriend? Is there any way that you could get in contact with her and maybe plan a set-up to have him caught in the act? That way you wouldn’t be the bad guy and she would have to face the truth and make the decision for herself. My sister went through a similar situation and she went ahead and married the guy. Needless to say, he cheated during the marriage. I told her it was because she gave him a green light to cheat on her at any given time. She wanted to believe he would change but of course he didn’t. A man in his 30s is who he’s gonna be; he’s not gonna change. If you can’t set up a sting operation to catch him in the act then go ahead and tell your girlfriend. Good luck!!
P.S. If she goes through with the wedding either way, a good gift would be a shoulder to cry on when he cheats again. Remember not to tell her you told her so. She’ll feel bad enough.
Wishing you and your girlfriend the best!!!

Hello, Renee
I think that you should be a friend to her and let her know… I know that if my bestfriend knew of my soon to be husband in 3 months! was cheating on me and didn’t tell me it would crush me! Not only would she let me make a huge mistake like that, but I would feel as though she didn’t care nor have enough respect for me to share this. Marriage is something that is sacred and you shouldn’t want your friend to waste that precious once in a life time moment on someone who isn’t fully commited to her… I feel sorry for her…Tell her and save her from the biggest mistake of her life… There is someone out there and every door closed opens up more wonderful possibilites! [-( That man should be ashamed of his self… But men will be men especially those who have something good and are too blind to see it… I hope all works out for your friend.. Maybe as a gift you should by her a lie detector test or maybe take her to prove that he is cheating on her…. That would be something that she would never forget! You being a good friend~! Chasity